One Flew Over The Catcher In The Rye
by F R E S H L Y J A M E Z
Summary: A sequel to Catcher in the Rye following up with Holden Caulfield 10 years later, narrated by Randle P. McMurphy  One Flew Over . Serves as a prequel to One Flew Over. Read if you enjoy either novel. Enjoy!


One Flew Over the Catcher In Rye

By James Nieves,  
Inspired By One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest & The Catcher And The Rye

Name's Randle P. McMurphy, now I wouldn't normally take the time to waste yours' but I met this fella today, freaking nut if ya ask me. Kids name's Holden Cauliflower, something like that. I gotta scratch this down; boy the girls are love this one! Phew boy!

**Chapter 1 – The First Cut Is the Deepest, but the Countless Others Still Hurt Like a Bitch**

So Candy and I, we were going out for night, now see I usually don't like going out. Too many uptights ruins my fun. But we weren't exactly going out, if anything we were going down. In more ways than one actually. See I live Redding, and always head up to Oregon, either picking up lil dames, or going to the Cinema. California is my home state though, never gonna keep me outta Cali, aint no way. Weather's too nice, and the ladies are too, I mean its California for Christ's sake. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah Candy, picked Candy up one night I was visiting up in Oregon. Somewhere between Eugene and Pendleton, don't quite remember how we got all the from there to L.A but here we are. In fact, I remember a bottle or few of Stollie's, the vodka calms my nerves if ya know what I mean. Candy's too, cuz as I'm driving through lower L.A, I realize she's passed out in the back seat. Wearing not much besides her panties somehow stretched over her head night a night cap. Ain't too bright that Candy, but she sure makes me feel sweet. Been driving all day, I'm tired as hell, but L.A is where the party is, chicken pecks and cock-fights, the action. And I'm going to find me some. Truth is, and I'm trying not to lie to ya, this car ain't even mine. Swiped it from a bub with Alzheimer's in Orgeon. That was right after I met Candy, tell ya the truth.

Anyways, Candy says to me, "Randy, when we going to have some real fun? Takes me on an adventure, I wanna see the big city." Problem is Candy was 16 shots in before I figured to ask what city she meant. And somehow that bub with the Alzheimers ain't too forgetful. So I'm driving L.A is looking good baby!

Made our way Candy and I into the big city, passed by some building, and some banks, thought about stopping by but my gun was empty. No use shooting the breeze when you bring a water gun ya know? Anywho, Candy woke up as we entered the city, drives me crazy how girls got that internal alarm system, somehow figurin' they know exactly when to wake up. Anyways, we made our way, an Candy complained to my ear, "Randy, feed me already, you cheap ass."

"Can it Candy, or God so help me…"

"God wouldn't help you, you're too dirty, but come'on Randle, you know you're hungry too!"

She was right of course, women are always right, and if you think they're wrong. You're wrong. Learned that the hard way. So I drive us to a dinner and Candy runs out lookin' like a bunny out of its hole. I meander out, scope out some gentleman in a nice suit.

I walk toward him, and him toward me. I throw my shoulder his way and knock him hard while grabbing his wallet from pocket.

"Hey asshole, you mind sharing a lane here?" I jeered.

"Oh, my apologies.." the man responded. I held my mad angry look, in truth his smart ass remark irritated me. I turned back and pushed him quick. He said nothing but turned around and walked his way down the avenue. I smiled as I took the money from his wallet and his bus pass and tossed the rest into the garbage pale outside the dinner. There was 43 dollars, which was a real nice treat. Expected less, but hey, a guy gets lucky sometimes.

So after we eat, Candy complains to me again, "Let's go out for some entertainment Randy!"

I ask her, "What do you wanna do Cand, wanna see a movie at the cinema, go operatic? Huh? You like movies?"

She replied to me so unclassily, "Randy, please I'm above all that you loon, I want some action, give me some blood and guts!

I whisper under my breath, "Loon? I'll show you blood and guts just keep talking…"

"Let's go out Randy, you told me this would be fun!"

"Candy, shut up and tell me what you wanna do."

She hands me a paper with some picture of two guys boxing, and the word prize all over it.

"You mean me?" I ask.

"Yeah Randy, come on' you always handle me so ruff, I wanna cheer you on while you ruff up some bastard!"

"Alright, alright, where is this place let's go already."

Damn Candy… That's all I gotta say as she swings my shirt around my shoulders. I'm sitting in a boxing ring. Some fake ass lookin' grandpa with salt and pepper hair and a young face. Beats the hell outta me. Not literally however, I'll tell you about the fight later. But first I gotta tell you about this kid. I don't even know if he is a kid, looks around my age, grey hair, mixed with black. Didn't even look to strapping. I could take him no doubt. So he looks at me, and says right before we're about to stand up, from across the ring.

"Hey faggot ready to dance?"

Now normally a little banter before a brawl is just, but this little fuck is calling me a faggot. Now what makes him think he could even back up such a word.

Anyway we stood up and the fight began. Jesus Christ…

I stood up and smashed my bear fist against the palm of my other hand. I hung right and ran at the kid. I swung right, lifting off with my back foot to slice at his jaw. He just stood there and took my slug. It sent a spray of blood from his jaw and him stumbling backwards. He tripped and fell on his ass. I felt kinda bad just panting the kid in the jaw. I lean forward, down to him and he looks dazed. I ask him, "You okay kid?"

He says to me back, "Ahh, that was good, haha, didn't expect such a sissy punch though." At this point I'm thinking the poor kids one of those half readtard or whatever. And I'm feeling pretty sorry about my self. I look around the ring everyone tossing up money, even Candy, she was off putting bets on me. Broads…

I lend him a hand up and he shakes it off, though I don't exactly know what, after his shake his eyes get mighty fierce and boy, the fight got going. He snapped forward digging his foot into my chest. Didn't expect that, and that shit hurt. Like nothing he pulled his leg back and pulled coked his right arm and gave me another hard snap but this time with the butt of his elbow, straight to my gut. Then he gave me a left hook quick to my side knocking the air even more out of me, finally he did this crazy jump into the air, looking like an angry dog and came down with all his force with a downward pound to my jaw, as hard as mine. I went flat on my back and the lights above the ring went in and out of focus as I gasped for breath, and swore under it.

"You little shit! You're holdin' out on me!" I say madly staggering to my feet.

"Well yes actually, my name is Holden." He snickers back, looking completely un-phased from my first blow.

"Your name is Holdin?" I reply.

"Holden, with an E."

"Jeez kid, obviously that ain't all that's wrong with ya."

"Cute, clever, quick, you're alright," Holden said all mysteriously as he pulled his fists back up. At this point the crowd was wild and Candy was yelling some douche nonsense that I couldn't make out. Oh well. Broads…

I somehow regain the room, well at least for the most part it stopped spinning. That or my ego was getting into the fight. See that's all I do, fight and fuck. And right now I was about to do both, sorta. He wants cute and clever, I think to myself. Oh he'll be holdin' on to this move all the way to the hospital. But in all truth, trying not to lie to ya, I wondered for the smallest second, whose ego was bigger.

I toss my hands up to the side of my face and shake them like I'm mad, probably was, err, am. Anyways, I toss um up and start flailing my legs around and bouncing around like some clown. Holden across from me doesn't look too amused. He looks way more serious than he did 20 seconds ago. But I don't care at this point. Ima show him what's what. I dance my way around the ring, and Holden. I stick my tongue out to mock him. Now don't think me stupid or anything. This is just strategy, see in my line of thinking, my stance is perfectly unreadable. Any move he makes at me, the clown charade comes off and good ole Randle P. McMurphy comes in and clocks this son of a bitch. I read him like a fucking book let me tell ya. He comes with this fancy looking dash forward and a quick jab. I smack it down and smack him hard with the bottom of my palm connecting with his forehead. And then lightning quick, I go back to dancing like an idiot.

Round this time the whole crowd starts chanting something, probably Candy's doin'. The whole crowd starts yelling. "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" And I'm thinking what the mother of pearl is that spose' to mean?

Either way, I mind that less that Holden's smug ass look. Then out of nowhere I see the cheeky fuck crack a grin. I drop my dance. And lunge at him connecting all over. I'm swinging mad and I hear the most nasty crack of bone I've ever heard, and trust me, I've heard plenty. I look for the cause of the sound and I see Holden's hand barley held out in a limp lookin' fist. And I realize we just punched each others fists. Holden backs up looking seriously in pain. I lower my arms and just stand there, not sure what's going on.

Then it gets weird. Holden limps off to his corner, holding his hand. It looks broken, or something, and tears start pouring from his face. Under the light in the corner I see clearly how dirty his face is. Covered in dust and dirt, I see cuts across his wrists, some fresh some scarred into his arms like yellow lines on the highway. And that fucking grin comes over him again. He's crying and laughing almost, but looks like he's in terrible pain. Kinda like he's getting off on his pain. He's saying something now, over and over, I can't hear it, kinda looks like he's mouthing "Alley Alley Alley," something like that. Finally he gets up, well sorta, he rests on his knees and leans forward the crowd getting quiet as Holden starts yelling. Can't make out what he's saying, something about glass, another bit about forever and ever. Finally I see him, and it blows my mind, he punches the ground with his broken hand, and howls this painful- angry groan. And says it, only this time I know what he says. He says, "Allie, my brother…" And as he does his eyes fall shut and he passes out right there across from me.

The crowd starts booing and spitting at Holden as he lays there. They all in a matter of two minutes the basement is empty. I'm just standing there still, Candy starts saying my name real soft, like she thinks we should leave. Broads… I can't leave this kid passed out right there. Something about him. The way he punched the ground so angry. I mean shit, I get mad, but that's fucked up mad… That's sad.

"Candy, I'll meet you at the car honey, schoot."

"Okay, Randy," she says back to me, as she heads upstairs.

I walk over a fridge and pour some semi-cold water into the biggest glass I can find. I bring it over to the Holden whose facedown in a pool of his own, either tears or drool. I pour half the glass on his head, and he shakes a bit and groans this groan of misery. He pulls himself up and I try to help him but he shrugs me off and sits up against the corner post.

"Thanks…" He says rubbing his eyes with his good hand. His broken one limp there palm facing up fingers mangled.

"You okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Looked pretty rough out there Holden," I try sounding nice as can be. Kid looks like he's been fucked both ways on the wrong side of life.

"It's life, it get's that way."

"Sure. Sure, hey man want a cigarette?"

"God yeah," he says back. So I search my person for a cig and a light, manage both out of my left pocket and hand it to him. He takes the lighter from my hand and lights it himself and tossed my lighter to the ground. I pick it up.

"What's your name man?" I ask.

"Holden."

"Yeah I got that much, what's your name though? Mines Randle, McMurphy." I say to him.

"Holden Caulfield," he replies.

"Caulfield eh? Well you can call me McMurphy, Cauliflower."

"Haha," he managed to sputter. "Cauliflower, that's cute."

"Hey bud, don't get all sarcastic and shit on me, or I'll knock you right back out." He laughed again, a tired genuine one. "Come on, let's get out of this shitty asshole, I'll take you for a drink. My girl candy will wrap that hand up like it's a dick on holiday."

"I don't drink." Holden says back. I chuckle in disbelief.

"Why the hell not?" I ask.

"Drinking isn't going to solve my problems, or even drown them out."

"Holden, my man, you got it all wrong. Drinking is to loosen up, distress, we ain't downing anything but that. Come on what the hell you gotta lose, it's L fucking A man! Least let me getcha a bit of grub, you're skinnier than my dick was in 9th grade."

"Haha, my sister always told me, 'nothing's free Holden'."

"Sounds like a younger sister to me, one not old enough to know what free really costs."

"Got that right McMurphy," he says to me. Standing up and walking across the ring.

"Where she at? We can pick her up bring her along for a good night us four." I suggest.

"She's dead McMurphy, she's been dead for a couple hours now. I killed her."

**Chapter 2 – A Big Salty Ocean**

Can't say it enough, but this kid is fucked up. There are levels, ya know. Like I don't know, kinda- sorta- really – super. This kid is, way the fucked up. Candy took a nap in the car in the back seat once again. I guess while she waited for us in the car, she got at a bottle of booze, and don't I know that shit puts her to sleep. Holden rode shotgun, and we talked about a lot. I drove around looking for a goddamn bar. As fate would have it, didn't find one till Holden had gotten off his chest the murder of his sister Phoebe, and the even more so fucked up story behind it.

By my understanding of Holden's blatherin', it seems like he and his sister were really close. She's younger, as I assumed. 9 years, something like that. Seems like ever since the death of Holden's youngest brother Allie, he's never been the same, and has been on a downward spiral, with his sister as his only real support. Turns out, Holden is a virgin too, said that several times. Seems pretty repressed, kinda like a neutered dog that still humps stuff; just to know what it never felt. Holden seems to me like one of those social outkasts. I mean he just kept talking about his sister, and how much he loved her. And as he's telling me all this I wonder why the hell he killed her if he loved her so much. Don't worry, I'll get there.

So Holden turns out, has feelings for this younger sister. Starts seeing her romantically and such. She and him have a relationship from what I gather, back and fourth. They both fighting with how wrong it all was. Crazy shit, shit that only happens in Oregon. Ahah, anyways, he goes on to tell me that she wasn't faithful to him, and got knocked up this guy Stradlater fucking new Englander names. One of Holden's "friends" as he put it, from back in the day. Holden killed him, and then he killed her.

He went on to tell me everything he loved about her, everything that missed. I asked him,

"So why'd you kill her… Haha? You love her so much!"

"I love her, yes, but that bastard she had inside of her, disproved any love she ever had for me."

"Holden, come on man you made the kid a bastard by killing the little shits father!" I say.

"Ha, well, I guess when you put it that way.."

We laughed together. Oddly enough. In a morbid way I was getting a kick out of this kids idiosyncrasies. Call me stupid and slap me with silver, but in all honesty, youd've laughed too if you were here. This kid was a mess, and right now I didn't care a damn bit about what he'd done, who he'd killed. Shit I've done some shit in my day, and don't feel right being judged for it. I do as I say, and do what I do, no phony as two facin' here.

We walked into the bar, Candy wide awake and brisk as a fresh biscuit. Sweet as a rose. I held her between my arms and ordered up some shots. Holden was adamant I could see it on his face. He wasn't drinking. So I told him instead,

"Wash up man, you look like a pig that just rolled in its shit. Hey Candy, go with Holden, make him look nice, Jesus, wrap up his hand too, that looks like something the pig shit out and then tried to eat." They left, and as they did. I slicked my brown hair back, and scanned the bar, looking for a fetching girl for Holden. This son of a bitch needed some twat, and I planned on getting him some half decent piece there of.

Cute little thing caught my eyes. You could tell she was over 20, but I wouldn't bet a day older than 30. No doubt, she was fine. I walked over to her and put on my best face. She smiled at me and asked me my name.

"Randle, please, but all me Randy. And what may yours be?"

"Jane," she replied pleasantly.

"Jane, beautiful name. Are you here alone this evening? If you don't mind me asking. See I'm here with a friend, a bit down on his luck, he could use a friend, if you don't mind sitting with us for a couple drinks." I say to her, as I do Holden comes out, and as homophobic as I am, that little shit looks more like the cats meow. Candy is a magical girl I'm telling you. That or Cauliflower actually cleans up good. "That's him right there," I add pointing Holden out.

"Holden?" Jane says standing up with a smile growing on her face.

"Jane..?" Holden replies a little less than enthused.

The night got a going can't tell you how much booze we drowned, but I felt like a trout in a big blue salty ocean. We laughed shared stories, and had a great night. And it wasn't over, and in fact it looked like the night was just a starting for Holden. A dozen shots in, and a few hours further into the night, we were playing darts, and Holden has his arms around Jane as she threw the only bulls-eye of the night. Charming pair those two, almost as sweet as Candy and I. We ended up driving out to a parking lot, and lighting a fire from one of Holdens loose cigarettes, we had this ole metal trash bin a flame and howled around it telling jokes and sharing stories. The mood started calming down, drunkenly so, and Jane started in on her stepfather.

"I don't even fuckin know."

"Knew what?" Holden giggled.

"My step dad.."

"He what?" I slurred smacking Candy's lips against mine.

"I never told you?" she replied.

"Tell him!" Candy jumped in spitting at the fire and missing by three feet to the left.

"Holden, I never had stooped."

"What?" he said back to her. I began to clean my ears and listen, it was different. More serious.

"I.. He sexually abused me…" The fire sucked all the air out as Jane's words left her mouth.

"Jane…" Holden said hugging her hard and close. He began to cry as he shook and convulsed and started to sob. "I know, I always knew… Me too Jane. I know. I know."

Somehow the light mood was filled with tears. They cried in each others arms, and Candy and I watched them. They folded their drunken tears with their moans and snivels. And we walked with them as they made their way to the car. Who knew the time; the alcohol washed it into meaninglessness anyways. Candy and I sat in the front, Jane and Holden in the back, the embraced each other, and Candy and I looked back to see them mouth to mouth, tears mixing together, somehow in their pain they had some kind of weird love. I don't judge though.

Candy fell asleep against my shoulder, as I drove. The weekend was shortly coming to an end. Jane managed to unlock her lips from Holden's enough to tell me where she was staying. I drove her to her place, the alcohol made everything smoother, it was a gentle breeze.

Her place was actually a hotel, and apparently she was leaving in the morning. She left Holden her phone number on a piece of light pink paper, and she gave him a tiny trinket she kept in her purse.

"Remember Holden, you're always the King in your life." She said to him and they kissed. She put two checker pieces that had been glued together in her hand. "King me." Holden said as she pulled away and walked into the hotel lobby.

We just sat their in the car in silence. The craziness and bizarreness of the night set in. Holden began to laugh, it seemed to strange so out of character.

"Randy, thank you. Tonight has been…"

"No need my friend. But if you ask me, you need to get up to her hotel room and tell that girl how you feel."

"You think?"

"From what I heard of you guys's past, you pussied out plenty. Grow some balls man. She obviously still has feeling for you." I say to him looking him dead in the eyes.

"But.."

"But nothing. Listen, if you've got nowhere to go. And you need to get away from Phoebe and all that mess. You can hitch a ride with me back up to Oregon. Gotta drop Candy back home, then you and I can figure things out for you alright? How about you I come by here around noon tomorrow?"

"Her flight is in a few hours." Holden said softly.

"Well then get up their man. I'll chill here in the lot and snooze with Candy. You come out when you're ready. Then we'll head out alright?" I reply.

"You'd do tha-"

"I would, now get up there already!"

He went. I looked at my watch and it was 3am. Candy was out cold, and so I lounged my seat back and closed my eyes. A knock on the window and Candy rustling around woke me up. Holden was smiling at me his face big and bright in the driver side window. I smiled and unlocked the back door. Holden got in. And in his hands he held two hot coffees.

"Come about Candy, the saint has brought us treats!" I say in sheer happiness.

"Oh how sweet of you Holden!"

"No problem at all, I also snagged you these two from the lobby's breakfast table." He replies to me handing forward donuts he had stashed in his coat pockets.

"So Holden, how'd it go? Eh? You and Janey get down and dirty?" I ask. Candy jumps in.

"Can't you see he's glowing? I bet he's never looked so happy."

"She's right," Holden replies with a big grin on his face.

"Atta boy!"

**Chapter 3 – Holdin' Holden**

We got to driving around 6 in the morning. Holden and I took turns driving. We made it up across the border in roughly 8 or 9 hours. We talked the whole way. Candy was in and out between napping and reading one of her novellas. We talked about his time in New York. How he ended up in L.A and how his brother took him in and kicked him out shortly after. How much Holden hated him for his success. Etc. I told him about my past. How I was convicted of statutory rape, and explained how her parents blew it out of proportion; and how I'd gotten in trouble for fighting a lot. We shared our lives with one another for 8 solid hours. Can't say I've ever done that with anyone. Nor had I ever done what I was about to do.

Something had been eating at Holden, and I could hear it in what he was saying the way up. He was telling me his story, in a way that suggested he wanted to pass it on to someone who would care. And honestly, I didn't all too much, but he let it out, and in a way, I let it out too. It was real nice to be able to.

Anyways so something's up in Holden's head, can't figure what exactly. We finally make it past Eugene, and Candy calls up her sister who lives in Pendleton. She's going to stay there, so we have a bit more driving to do. We get back in the car, and Candy hangs up on her sister who was yelling at one of her 8 children. Yikes.

We make it into Pendleton, nice city, aint too shabby, and there's a bar downtown. That I like. Holden is driving at this point and we get to Candy's sisters place. I kiss Candy away and tell her I'll call her later in the week. I planned on it, maybe check out that bar downtown. Got back in the car, Holden looked a little glum. And it was about late after noon at this point. I looked to my watch, it read 5. I laughed and sat in the car.

"Jesus man, we've been driving forever.." I say to Holden.

"We have, we have."

"Wanna get a bite to eat and grab a hotel?"

"Yeah, I got a few bucks for us to eat dinner if you can cover the hotel room."

"Sure thing!"

We ate dinner, delicious. It filled me up right good. Holden was still being moody, more so than usual. And by this point I "get" that he's moody. But this is different. Oh well. He'll tell me sooner or later, or not at all. I guess it's not really my problem to solve anyway. Just doing what I can to help him back on to his feet, ya know? Anyways we got a hotel room and crashed Holden called Jane, and left a message. I called Candy at her sisters, had a short little chat before Candy was off to take a shower. Holden took a shower and changed into some of my clothes since he didn't have any with him besides his boxing rags. They were a little big, and I laughed, cuz he looked even skinnier, but they'd do for the night. We sat in our own separate beds out hands folded behind our heads talking to each other. Not an inch in front of our faces. Room was pitch black, but that was alright. Holden kept getting all deep in thought asking me these tough questions. One that shot out at me when he asked was about death.

"You afraid to die McMurphy?" he asks me, and I don't know exactly what to say to that.

"Not sure Caulfield. Never sure. I guess, I'm not afraid of death ya know? For sure I take life for granted though. I don't know. It all seems pretty pointless to me." I say keeping my thoughts close to my chest.

"I get that man."

"Don't get me wrong, I love life, but it's unreasonably long. Imagine how much time in a life is wasted." I reply.

"Never thought about it that way, makes sense though." He says back to me and then says, "You ever thought about killing yourself?"

"Getting heavy are we? No sir, never killing myself. I've thought about being killed though. I don't wanna be an old bag of marbles, lost not knowing left from up, and right from down. I wanna be able to take a dump by myself ya know? I hope if I'm ever a vegetable someone puts me outta my misery." I say to him giving a little hiccup of a laugh as my period.

"Do you really believe that?" Holden asks his tone changing. Deepening.

"I do.. Truly."

"Well then, if you do, let's get an early start in the morning. I have a little favor to ask of you alright?"

"A-Okay Capitan Caulfield." I say, and as I do we both start to drift off. I slept good that night. In a way, I hadn't talked about myself with anyone in the longest time. Always brown-nosing, and shit. Superficial crap, if anything my new friendship with Holden has made me realize how shallow I am emotionally. And how deeply emotional people around me are. Guess we're all birds of many different feathers. Locked sometimes in our own self-imposed, very different, varying cages. Can't suppose to know what's got Holden so locked up. I just really hope he can fly away birdie sometime soon. I guess I feel guilty, or I really _would_ feel guilty if I'd of just left after our match. I'm no good samaritan, but damn it does feel _good_. And shit, it's been a good weekend.

Crack of fucking dawn, Holden is up washing his face. He's wearing his old tattered clothes again, although I ask him why and he shrugs it off like it doesn't matter. Guess he's right, it doesn't really. I somehow half-asleep get dressed and make my way to the car. Holden offers to drive and he does. I pass out along the way intermittently; I catch Holden saying something about that favor he wanted. I shrug it off, whatever. Finally I feel the engine turn off and open my eyes. I sit up and we're parked in the middle of a rye field. Just outside of Pendleton. Rye grass, shit's all over Oregon. I look at Holden like what the fuck where are we. And I see my gun in his lap.

"I need a favor McMurphy." Holden says to me looking out onto the rye-grass.

"Jesus Holden… What the hell are we doing here." I ask him.

"Saving me?" Holden questions.

"What the hell from?"

"Myself." Holden nods.

"The fuck? Caulfield, what the hell is up man, talk to me. This is spookin' me out." I say. Holden turns and puts the gun in my lap and looks me in the eyes. His eyes looks tired, like he didn't get a pinch of sleep. Beyond that his eyes are dry as the rye. Cold, grey, dead. He half-looked like a ghost already. Holden stepped out of the car and stood up. I got out and stood across from him we talked over the roof of the car.

"You want me to shoot you?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yeah," Holden said with a small smile.

"Why?"

"Like you said, I agree, I don't want to live like a vegetable McMurphy. My life is nothing; I've nothing to live for. I've alienated myself from everything I ever needed.."

"Then stop! Jesus Christ, think for a minute you just had a wonderful night with Jane, you can pull it together make a life for yourself."

"McMurphy look at me. Do I look happy? Do I look like I'm even living?"

"You're talking to me ain't ya?"

"Cute, clever,-"

"Oh can it Holden, you're far from a veg, you got me. What else do ya need?"

"All of this, even you as great and needed as these days of been. Its all empty. This is your life not mine… Warm and wild nights cannot sustain me. If anything this is just opening up doors that have been closing the past 10 years." He says to me.

"Dammit Holden, think about me for a minute, where you're putting me asking this of me. We just met, and you already want me to kill you?"

"I can honestly say this weekend makes you the closest thing I have to a friend right now…" Holden replys.

"Yeah well ME, Randle P. McMurphy, I don't do suicide and this is just assisted. I won't do it Holden. And dammit, I have a life and people I care about, and they pale in comparison to you. This weekend is something. You just have to believe it can be. Get your head out of the sand already. Grow up! Come on!" I say back to him raising my voice. "This suicide bullshit is just that bullshit."

"Randy, come on you know my story. And here I am the catcher in the fucking rye, and I can't even save myself…" he says starting to cry.

"Caulfield, we're all our own catchers, no one elses. I can help but I can't save you, not with a friendship or a bullet. You need to save yourself at this point." I say feeling like a reel eel.

"You're just afraid to do it, you're afraid of setting me free from my chains. I can't do it. I've lived my entire life unable to get free. I choke myself to sleep with my past god dammit. You probably grew up with a family and a dad who didn't fucking molest you every night. You didn't lose a brother, you didn't fall in love with your goddamn sister. You didn't kill her, you are not me, and that is why you can set me free. Please McMurphy… I have nothing anymore. It's all sunk cost, and I'm spent." Holden sobs to me. "I'd rather die than live with the burden of my mistakes- my losses, my tragedy that when I wake up to every fucking morning. Mornings like this…"

"Holden…" I say unsure barley able to form the word. "Holden, my gun doesn't have any bullets…" And as I say those words. Holdens heart sinks I see it in his eyes as the tears pour simultaneously down his face.

"You're fucking shitting me…"

"No, look for yourself.." I say half embarrassed half relieved.

"Ha, well that's okay. Get in the car, run me over. Right now come on."

I don't know what was running through my head, but I got in the car. I put it in reverse and backed away from Holden who just stood there his eyes looking up at the sky.

"Catcher in the goddamn rye," I say under my beath. Choices are running through my mind and I turn the car around and turn away from Holden and start driving away. But then I stop the car. Something inside me stops it. I look in the rear view mirror and see him still standing there. He nods and he smiles peacefully.

I get out of the car and walk to him. I look him in the eyes and say to him, "I don't know you this well. But I love you, you sell yourself far too short." A hard held back tear falls from my face and I hug him wrapping my bear arms around his tiny frame. He pants and sighs and tears fall from his face swept back up around his check from a breeze over the rye. He smiles and hugs me back. He says, "thank you" and I say, "I'm sorry"

I look him in the eyes one last time and say, "I am sorry." I walk back car and sit down. I sigh heavily looking at the rear view one last time. Then I drop the car into reverse and slam the gas down as hard as I can. I close my eyes and feel the car jolt back, and like nothing. I hear the back of the car hit Holden's body sending him under the car hard. Finally I hit the breaks. And in front of me lay Holden's corpse. Eyes open and a blissful smile on his face.

I feel an overwhelming guilt and sadness overcome me and I begin to sob and did so for over ten minutes. With his body lying out in front of me.

**Chapter 4 – The Heart of Life**

I was arrested later that day for murder and grand theft. Coming back through the state with the stolen car was a dumb idea. And I guess killing Holden, well that was probably a good idea. But I realized something, something I realized too late. Holden Caulfield is immortal and so is his story. He passed it on to me, and my choice to as he would say, "save his life" is now the tragedy I must live with. But I'm stronger than him, and more clever.

Fuck this work farm. Pendleton is not a good place to be in jail. So much shit I don't want to do. Holden I know would call it "the establishment" and hatch some crazy scheme to get out no doubt. Son of a bitch, son of a bitch got his way in the end. At my expense. But I guess that's the heart of life, we give and we take and hope it all works out in the end.

No one will ever understand Holden, I don't even think I did truly. But I did the right thing, for him. In a way, I feel like I opened him up to how sad he really was. And that guilt… over everything. It's eating me up. I need to get out of here. Jail is eating me up, everything is gobble gobble. Cuckoo, cuckoo.


End file.
